Dealing with a stubborn child

There are many types of children and we as parents have to deal with the different mood swings of a child. One problem that most of the parents often complain about is that the child has become very stubborn and is just not listening to anyone. Today parents are working and they live a very busy life. The parents are stressed as they have a lot of work pressure to deal with too. In such a stressful life if you come home and your child behaves in a very stubborn way it does become very difficult for the parents.

We will first try to understand why a child becomes stubborn. Stubborn is a trait that children are born with. Some kids are very stubborn and some are not so much. We all want that the children should be well behaved and disciplined. This is not as easy as it sounds to be. Always remember that the relationship you share with a child is like a partnership. As a parent you must know that every child is different and they must be treated in a different way. If a child does not get what he needs he will not be able to grow up to his full potential.

Today most of us have one child in the house and it is natural for us to just do whatever the child asks for. When you start to full fill all the unreasonable demands of the child you take the first step towards developing a stubborn child. A stubborn child can be very difficult to manage because the child will throw tantrums while going to school, eating, getting ready and for almost all the activities that has to be done in a day.

A positive way of putting stubborn child would be to say that the child is strong willed. A strong willed child can be very intelligent as well as creative. The strong willed kids ask a lot of questions and can argue well too. Some of the characteristics that a strong willed child shows are:

These kids try to be very independent.
They need to be heard and acknowledged.
These kids must be appreciated for anything good
that they have done.
Throwing tantrums is normal for any child but
the stubborn ones throw tantrums more often.
These kids will do what they have decided and it
is impossible to make them change the stand.
These kids are bossy and can try to lead others.
These children need to do things at their own
pace.

Now that we have listed some of the bad traits that are often associated with a strong willed child we will list a few advantages that you have when the child is stubborn:

These kids have a mind of their own and it is
very rare that they will follow the wrong path taken by others and come under
peer pressure.
They break rules and can do well in education as
well as all the other fields.
They try to make their own paths and not follow
what others do.

No matter what these kids are indeed quite stubborn and can be very difficult to manage as parents. We will now explain what you can do in order to deal with a strong willed child. These kids might have got these qualities from genes or it can be acquired too. They just do not want to change their way no matter how much pressure is put on them. There can be various types of stubborn behaviour. For example some kids may just refuse to change the clothes and always wear their favourite clothes, some kids may not want to study or do the activities given to them, some kids refuse to eat no matter what you give them, the list can be a long one and at the end of the day all these behaviours can be very annoying.

We will now list down a few things that you can do as a parent to ensure that you can keep a proper control on the way your child behaves and the child becomes less stubborn with time:

Do not argue with the child, try to listen what
the child has to say.
Always try to listen to what the child is saying. Do not
just keep talking. Stubborn children are very good at arguing and have a mind
of their own.
You should let the child put forward their opinion and then
logically try to explain the child why you feel that he or she should do a
certain thing.
Ask the child what is bothering him or her and try to work out a
solution do not approach a stubborn child head on. If a child who is strong
willed feels that he is not being heard then they will try to get more
stubborn.
Many parents say that the child is just not listening well that is
because you are not dealing with the situation in a calm manner. You have to
talk to the child and be practical in your approach.
Always keep in mind that a stubborn child is like an adult and are much more matured that you feel. This maturity s what makes them strong willed? If you do not handle a strong willed
kid well they may become very difficult teenagers.

Try to connect with the child and try to understand why they are behaving in a certain way. Do not force the child to do something.
Connecting with a child is important and especially if the child is a stuborn one. For example if you want the child to switch the TV off the child may out rightly refuse. Instead connect with the child show interest in what the child is watching and then slowly try to convince the child that it is late
and he or she must go to sleep.
Give a hug to the child whenever you get a chance that is the first step to connecting. The word is counterwill. Which is not common only to kids? It is something even adults do. This counterwill makes them rebel. If you tell a child on his or her face that what they are doing is not right they may rebel and want to do it. When you show interest in the child they feel that they are taken care of and you want to connect to them. This feeling is essential for a child that an adult wants to connect to them. There are many books that you can read to understand how you can connect with a
child.

Always try to give options to the child – let’s take a common scene in every house. For example every night it is a struggle to put a child to bed. You know they are tired and morning they have to wake up early. The child will refuse to sleep and so you land up screeming and scolding
the child. Now try this tip give the child an option. For example ask the child
which book they would want to read before going to sleep. This will distract
the child and also help the child to go to bed on time.

Many parents say we do not take our kids shopping because they will ask for toys or other things. Well a stubborn child has a mind of his own and you can also use it to your advantage if you want to. For example suppose you take the child shopping and tell him to choose a toy. He will choose a toy that you do not want to buy. Give the child options and let the child choose one. Tell him or her that these are the toys you can buy please chose one. A strong willed child will get distracted and want to make the best of the options given. When they make up their mind they will not listen to anyone else. Try to ensure that the options are limited perhaps two or three not more.

Try to stay as calm as possible when the child
throws tantrums – This is the most difficult part. Always remember that if the
child is shouting and you also shout at the child it will not lead you
anywhere. The child is throwing tantrums because he wants something that you do
not want to do or you feel that it is not right for the child. When you yell
and hit the child both of you get nothing out of it. Tell the child clearly
that he will not get what he wants by throwing tantrums. If he wants something
he will have to behave well.

Try to find some activity that you and your child can do togather and that can help you to calm down. For example listening to music can be soothing for both of you. Soft music or going for a walk. Staying close to nature can help. There are some meditation classes that are arraged for kids as well. When the child has a strong mind it is always beneficial to engage the child into something that will help them to calm down.

Always remember that a calm mind is the most essential thing you need to scale great heights in life.

It is important that as a parent you respect the
child and try to understand what the child actually wants. If you want your
child to respect you, you should also respect the child. Many parents often
order the kids and expect that the kids will follow that. It is not correct,
try to encourage cooperation in the relationship. Try to get into a mutual
agreement and understanding.

If you make a rule for the child ensure that you too follow it. For example if you tell the child that you should not use phone too much then you too follow the same. If you tell the child to keep the toys and things in the right place you too follow that. As child will always follow the examples that you are setting.

When the child comes up with an idea or a suggestion do not neglect it. Encourage the new ideas he or she is coming up with. It can actually help you to learn more from the child. Same with feelings. If the child is sad and gloomy try to understand why. Encourage the child to talk and share his feelings with you. This habit can go a long way in life.

As parent we want to feed the child, get them dressed and take care of them in all possible ways. Well it is a good and natural parenting idea. Instead encourage the child to eat their own food, wear their own clothes, do atleast one thing on their own during a day. This will help them feel that you are treating them as individuals and grown ups. Sometimes all the kids want is to be respected and let them do their own things.

Always say things that you mean and do what you said. Stick to your words. This is a great example. If you tell the child that you will take them somehere on a Saturday do take them and don’t push it to some other day thinking that the child will forget.

The child is learning from you. So always try to be good and set proper examples for the child. The child is a reflection of you.

Always work with the child and make them a part
of whatever you are doing in a day. The common statement that we use with a
child is “do that”, “I want you to do that”. Instead of using these statements
use words like “let’s try that”, “can you help me with”. This can help the
child to feel important. Make them a part of your work and daily routine. For
example if the child is scattering toys and you want the child to put these
back in the right place. Just ask the them to be your special helper and keep
the toys in place. The kids who are strong willed want to feel important and be
a part of things that you do. You will also see that they have a strong desire
to do what adults do. The way you treat them at this age will remain with them
even when they grow up.

Negotiating with a child is important. Always
try to talk to the child. A stubborn child is like handling a small adult. They
have a mind but they yet do not know what is good for them. For example the
child does not want to go to bed at a certain time. Sit and talk to the child.
Listen to his concerns. Try to discuss and work out on a time that is suitable
for both of you. Negotiating does not mean you budge to what the child is
saying, it means you discuss and come up with a solution that suits both of you.
The question you can ask in a situation like this is “what is bothering you”. This
can be a good way to start the conversation.

It is important that you create a happy
atmosphere in the house. As parents you should not argue in front of the child.
If the child is brought up in a hostile environment the child starts to show
aggressive behaviour. It is important that the parents create a happy and a
positive environment in the house for the child. These children who belong to a
family where parents do not share a good relationship tend to be more stubborn.
They take to this behaviour so that they can get more attention from the
parents.

It is important that you try to understand the
perspective of the child. The child who has a mind and point of view will also
have a perspective that must be respected and understood. Try to keep yourself
in the position of the child and try to understand why the child is behaving in
a certain way. The child also has emotions they can be angry, disappointed,
frustrated and many other emotions can actually come to a child. For example
study proves that a child cannot concentrate for more than 15 minutes at one
go. That is why if the child refuses to study instead of forcing the child
break the activity into small parts and let the child do the activities slowly.
There is no point making the child feel frustrated and you also getting
frustrated by the behaviour of the child. This ability to understand the child
will develop in you only when you spend a lot of time with the child. Whatever
the task is try to understand why the child is behaving in a certain way and
then try to find a practical solution.

Always ensure that you make the child realize
that with tantrums he or she will not get anything. Only good behaviour has to
be rewarded. When to do that the child will automatically realize that there is
no point in throwing tantrums as he is heard only when he is behaving well. Try
to reinforce good behaviour. For example if the child is being stubborn and
refuses to believe whatever you are telling the child the reason can be that
the you tell the child “no” very often. When you do that you are encouraging a
negative behaviour in the child. For example try to play a game with the child
in which most of the questions you ask will have “yes” as answer. For example
ask “do you like to play with cars?”, “Do you like Ice-cream”? “do you like
going to the beach”?. Most of these questions will have “Yes” as an answer. As
you play this game you are indirectly making the child positive in response.
The child will also like this interaction and the attention that he or she is
getting from the conversation.

Some major challenges that you will face as a parent with a stubborn child are as follows:

Potty training – it has been observed that a
stubborn child will take much longer to get potty trained. They will just
refuse. The obedient kids take less time to get potty trained. If you force the
child they may get aggressive and refuse to do potty. You have to keep your
patience. The stubborn children take the longest time to get potty trained. How
you can make them trained is:
Regularly talk to them and tell them that they
have to go to the potty.
Tell them how it is to be done and how everyone
does it.
Show videos to the child on doing potty. Make
fun and do not get very stressed if the child is not using the toilet.

Ensure that you help the child to reach the goal and not just keep pushing the child and forcing them to use the toilet. This can be really a pain and will take much longer to achieve if the child is stubborn.

Eating on his or her own – another common problem the parents of a stubborn child face is that the child refuses to eat
on his own. This is a common trait of all stubborn kids. They will either not
eat at all or insist that you feed them. The child has to learn to eat on his
own otherwise they may not be able to eat in school. Some tips are:
Make the dinner a fun time. Try to have fun as
you eat.
Tell the child to set the table with you and
help you to prepare some salads.
Explain why the child must know to eat on his
own.
Promise to treat the child with a nice dessert
if they finish the food on their own.
Ensure that the food looks nice and keep
changing the dishes so that they child do not feel bored.
If the child just refuses to eat the food. Tell
them why they should eat at least one bite before they reject the food.

No matter how stubborn the child is you will have to discipline the child. There will be certain rules that the child must follow no matter what. If the child breaks the rules he or she will have to be prepared for the consequences. If the child does something wrong they should know the consequences. The consequence must happen almost immediately after the mistake else the impact will not be as much. For example tell this child that if you do this I will cut the TV time or play time. The child must be allowed to do some chores in the house so that they can be disciplined. As per the mistake or rule broken the consequence should be decided. Always remember that you are not punishing the child you are just making them realize that the behaviour is wrong and it cannot be tolerated.

It is not easy to deal with a child who is stubborn. It can be the beginning of many issues in childhood as well as later in life. It is important that as a parent you stop the child and try to correct them before being stubborn becomes a habit.